Midway Madness?

Call George Caldwell a stickler for safety. In a recent interview, the 74 year-old Scarborough resident proudly stated--much to his wife’s chagrin--that he spends his summers rising at 3:00amjust to walk around his condo complex sweeping intersections with a push broom.

    Mrs. Caldwell leaned forward and jabbed a thumb in her husband’s direction. “He thinks he’s helping the bikers.”

    “I am helping them,” protested George. “Sand is a motorcyclist’s worst nightmare. No traction.”

    George’s wife of fifty years looked straight at me and rolledher eyes. “This is a senior housing development,” she said. “We have no motorcycles. Walkers, wheelchairs and the occasional handicap scooter perhaps, but no motorcycles.”

    George, defensive, turned to his missus. “What about Walt Schmitt’s grandson? He brought his bike here that time, remember?”

    “A Big Wheel is not a motorcycle, George.”

    “Well, it still needs traction.”

    Mrs. Caldwell dismissed her husband with a wave. “Oh, please.”

George’s wife isn’t the only person he annoys, especially lately.Indeed, a large portion of the state would like a word with him. You see, George’s passion for safety recently expanded to include Maine’s agricultural fairs—specifically, those featuring bumper car rides. For the last several weeks, he’s been circulating a petition he hopes will spur legislation requiring bumper car drivers to participate in a program he calls, “BCDE,” short for “Bumper Car Driver’s Ed.” Designed by Caldwell himself, this six-week course aims to promote defensive driving skills.

    If such a course seems hugely counterintuitive, well…join the proverbial club. I asked Mr. Caldwell why he’s taken up this particular cause.

    “Whaddaya mean why?” he barked. “Have you driven the interstate lately? Non-stop tailgating; flagrant speeding; peopletexting and driving and zigging and zagging every which way without signaling. It’s chaos out there.”

    “All true,” I said, “but what’s any of it have to do with bumper car rides?”

    Caldwell threw up his hands. “My God, man, where do you think they learn it?”

    You read that right. In Caldwell’s view, everything bad that ever happens on a road, street, or highway is rooted in behavior learned at a young age during bumper car rides.

    He explained. “Imagine a little kid, four or five years old, say, and his parents or grandparents take him to the fair and let him on the bumper cars. Now, you know as well as I do that it’s probably this kid’s first time behind the wheel. And what’s he learning? That it’s perfectly acceptable to cut people off and usehis car like a battering ram.”

    I asked the obvious question. “Won’t bumper car rides prove rather boring if you take away the bumping?”

    “Ha!” shouted Caldwell. “You have no vision, my boy! Allow me to show you my plan!”

    At this point in the interview, Mrs. Caldwell said, “I need a drink,” and left the room.

    Mr. Caldwell pulled an artist’s rendering from a cardboard tube. He unfurled it to reveal an overhead view of a bumper carride’s floor.

    “This is gonna revolutionize the whole industry!” he beamed.

    Caldwell proceeded to explain his plan with the excitement of a proud parent. Instead of bare metal, the floor of his “new and improved” bumper car ride will feature a hand-painted two-lane road in a figure-eight design replete with potholes, construction zones, and a four-way stop.

    “See here?” said Caldwell, pointing to a series of arrows.“Half the cars go in one direction and half go in the other. So, instead of driving willy-nilly all over the place, kids try to stayin their lane to avoid a head-on collision.”

    “What happens if they hit someone?” I asked.

    “Ride over.”

    “Well, that will certainly incentivize the kids to drive safely.”

    “Yep. Same thing if the kid speeds or texts or passes illegally—ride over.”

    “And kids need to show proof of having passed your course in order to enter the ride, right?”

    “Correct.”

    “How much is it?”

    “The Bumper Car Driver’s Ed. course is ninety-nine bucks. Or one twenty-nine for Massachusetts kids.”

    “Why the different prices?”

    Caldwell offered a wry smile. “Some drivers need a bit more work.”